I finally succeeded in getting Luke to take a bottle. It's a new fancy one (not really that fancy just different, to me at least). He takes it very reluctantly though. And he didn't want ANYTHING to do with it last night at 2:00 am. He had eaten at 10pm and 12 am and by 2, the well was dry...
I got him to drink both breastmilk and formula from the bottle and that makes me feel so relieved. My milk supply has increased some but not enough. So that makes me wonder, why I am doing this to myself?
I can't decide if it's about Luke or about me. Certainly there is no harm in feeding both breastmilk and formula or one or the other. But, if to continue nursing I have to attach myself to an electric pump every 3 hours and take 18 pills a day, why am I doing this? I think it's because I know Luke will miss it, and honestly so will I. And I am not a La Leche Leaguer, by the way.
I don't know what to do. Have I said that already? Part of me wants to stop pumping, stop the pills, and see what happens. Then I will feed him what I have and supplement the rest. But what if a few more days will bring it all back and then I won't have to worry with bottles or anything else unless I want to? Or maybe I should just wean him and switch to formula all together.
Through all of this I do know that I may have scarred my 2 year old for life. She saw me using the breast pump for the first time and her look of interest/disgust was priceless. She said, "What is dat, Mommy?!" I told her it was a pump to get milk for Luke. Then she climbed up onto the bed beside me to watch TV. Every minute or two she'd give it a sidelong stare with the same expression. Finally she said, "Dat silly, Mommy"
7 comments:
To quote a wise mother of 4.6 babies, "Breastfeeding is a wonderful, perfect system that will never be able to be duplicated in its entirety.
It's too bad that it's so heavily linked with self-esteem and self-worth."
I am so sorry! I wish there was an easy answer to problems like this. Just go with your heart, and remember that if it's THAT important to you it is DEFINITELY the right thing.
Kisses and loves.
Hi Elise. I feel your pain somewhat. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to nurse Caleb for very long that any little change in my milk supply was an emotional roller coaster. Nursing is wonderful and I loved it but I also hated it more than being pregnant.
All my siblings are formula babies because my mom never ate enough and would dry up after two months. Caleb is the only one of his cousins that nursed longer than two months (we got to 8 mos. and I stopped on purpose to have another baby). And all of those babies/grown people are very healthy, happy, and fulfilled. However, nursing really is great, healthy, cheap, and good bonding with your baby. There are pluses on both sides and in the long run, everything will be ok. Good luck in your quest.
I have zero experience with breastfeeding - so I can't offer any advice on that. But I think you're right to sort of take a step back and reexamine the situation. If it's all causing you more stress and worry, maybe try a different plan. A happy, relaxed Mom and a happy baby are worth more than anything.
This doesn't even really relate, but last night, Cameron climbed up on the counter while I was making his bedtime smoothie. He sat crosslegged next to the blender and we talked and imagined how much yummier this smoothie would be if we hadn't run out of bananas, and I marveled at his eleven year old body perched up on the counter - just like he used to do when he was 18 months and 3 and 5 and 7. He hadn't done that in a long time, and I realized that I missed it. We laughed about it - that he still fits up there. He still fits on my lap and in my arms too.
Now I know this isn't breastfeeding and can't compare, but there are so many things that I would miss about their younger years if I let myself, but I just get busy enjoying the next stage and all the fun things that are happening right now. It just gets better and better. Hope this didn't offend in any way - I really don't understand all the emotions that accompany breastfeeding, so just ignore me, LOL. I do know that it's easy to get depressed when stress levels get high. Take care of yourself.
That picture of Ava playing with Luke is darling. Give them a kiss from Auntie Wendy.
Love you!
I'm afraid I've come off as the worry-wart emotional person I truly am! Hope this doesn't look like I've completely lost my perspective on life, because I haven't. But I am TIRED. And this has just turned into a more emotionally charged issue than I thought it would. But really thanks for the support and advice. I'll get over it all really soon, I hope.
Sorry for the frustrations. If you it makes you feel better, the last part of the story just made me laugh. Whenever I used a pump, I think I thought exactly what Ava said. Nursing is quite the experience!
Because Sarah is adopted I didn't have the option of breastfeeding her. I considered trying to use pills and pumping to start lactation but, on the advice of my doctor, decided it wasn't worth it. He suggested that there are dozens of other aspects involved in parenting and I should focus on some of those things.
Now Sarah is 15 months old, growing like a weed, walking, trying to talk and bringing us so much joy! I am so thankful for my doctor's advice and proud of the realization that you don't have to breastfeed to be a good mom! Good luck with everything...
I just have to clarify some things here. Probably no one will see this but I am feeling very misunderstood. This was not about formula vs. breastmilk or being a good mom. This was about my unanticipated emotional attachment to nursing my baby. And realizing that this was something that I would miss and was not ready to give up. I guess when I post for the public I should realize that people will draw their own conclusions from my words. I hope I have not offended anyone. But please know, Universe, that I do not doubt the health of a baby or judge the quality of a mother based on the type of milk they receive.
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