Anger Management

Given how much fun it is to read about other people's bodily functions and maladies, I am sure you all are dying to hear the latest on my medical woes. Actually I am pretty sure you're not, which is one of the reasons I have held off on posting about it. Seriously, if you want, come back in a couple days and I'll have some pictures of the kids or I'll tell you how my tooth fell out again and we've had another  3 rounds of RSV.

 Fair warning to my gentleman readers, the following post contains the word "period" and I'm not talking about punctuation.

My doctor shoved a little camera through my belly button three weeks ago looking for possible endometriosis. As I was waking up, she told me that she couldn't see any diagnostic signs of it but said that my insides looked "angry".    All of the blood vessels over the entirety of my abdominal cavity and organs were exposed and inflamed. When she touched them they would immediately swell and turn red.  She said she'd never really seen anything like it. Which, let me tell you, is not my favorite thing to hear from a doctor. Thus the biopsy was taken in hopes of figuring out what was the cause of all of this.

 I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't slightly anxious over the biopsy.  Most likely everything is fine.  Really.  But  little ugly thoughts kept creeping around in my brain.  It only takes the smallest threat to my mundaneness to make me cherish it that much more and entertain semi-disturbing thoughts. Yes, I know I have issues.  Probably more than Good Housekeeping. But having been knocked off my feet for a few days to recover, combined with my ugly worries, did lead me to more rational thoughts like these,

 I want to change diapers! I want to make school lunches! I want to clean up the toy room! Yes, I know I totally groaned and complained about that stuff last week, but now, now, I want to! I need to!


So I waited my week.  I chased away the creepers with little mental prayers.  As you can imagine my google queries for "angry insides" didn't garner much, which is probably for the best.   But truly, my insides did feel angry and over the last two months that anger was no longer limited to a once a month phenomenon.  I was so ready to talk to the doctor, because no matter what the biopsy said, my insides would not let me forget their wrath.  I'm pretty sure if I choose natural childbirth next time, it won't be that bad, considering all of this extra practice I've been getting breathing through pain.

When the time came, I called the doctor's office.  The receptionist told me the beautiful words, "Your biopsy results are normal." And that brought some welcome relief.  I told her I still had some questions, though, so when the medical assistant called me back and started the conversation with "Your biopsy results are congruent with endometriosis."  I was a little confused.  Honestly, still relieved though, because after the week of wondering and waiting, endometriosis actually sounded awesome.  It only took a few moments of a useless question and answer session for both of us to agree that me talking with the doctor was the best course of action.

So I waited another week for my chance with the doctor.  Two days before my appointment the pains significantly decreased and I actually started to feel better.  I even considered cancelling.  But I went ahead.  She showed me the print out from the lab which said something to the effect of "the cellular structure was consistent with endometriosis but not entirely diagnostic."  And below that,  the words "benign smooth muscle".  She explained that they can not be positive that endometriosis is what I have, but there is a great likelihood I do.  And also that the increased vascularity could be my body's way of presenting endometriosis.  I explained my other concerns, mostly that I still had been having a lot of pain.  Eating and digesting were no longer pleasant and barely hanging on to tolerable. She concluded, "There is definitely something else going on" and referred me to her friend, a gastroenterologist.  Despite that, I left the office feeling very reassured and pretty good in general. In fact, I decided in my mind that I was done feeling bad.  This thing was over or at least on its way out.  I planned to give myself a  week or so, before even thinking about calling the GI doctor.  I bought a plane ticket to Europe.

And then two days later, my period showed up and I found myself dialing the GI's number as fast as I could.    I got an appointment for Thursday, and I'm willing the hours to pass as quickly as possible.  I don't care if she sticks a scope up my hiney.  I don't care if she makes me take medicine for the rest of my life.  All I know is that I want the visions of colostomy bags, and mismatched, motherless children, out of my mind. I want the pain over with, I want to eat and like it, I want my 29 year old body back, and I want my mom and I to be wandering the canals of Venice at the end of march with all this stuff only a distant memory.

Lately...

*We've taken a train ride to Denton and went out for pizza and ice cream.

                                     

                                                 


*Ava said goodbye to her 8th tooth, (pictured below, the little one on the left). And the tooth fairy came on  the first night for the first time in a long time.

*Max can be found wearing all kinds of things on his head,especially the batter's helmet he picked up when he was out with my mom a while back.

 It's usually backwards unless he's in the car because then the visor gets in the way.

*Some friends took me out to dinner for my birthday.


*Luke is constructing intricate buildings with his trio blocks and they are usually symmetrical and have guns.

*Max is talking up a storm and says things like, "I don't sink so" and "I'm bad" and constantly requesting duets of I am a Child of God.

*I met with Luke's preschool teacher and he's doing great.  We are still deliberating but leaning towards Pre-K instead of Kindergarten next year.

*My belly button bruises have faded into a nice smudgy green.


*Ava wrote her first email.
 
She's been home all week with the same respiratory stuff she had over Christmas.  So we had plenty of time for laying around and reading. We were reading a book, My Pony by Susan Jeffers.  She had me read her the author's note at the beginning where Susan talked about how she learned to draw and how much she loved horses.  Ava was in awe.  She told me, "I need to write her a letter.  I am an artist and I love horses too! I need to write her right now!" And she made me promise I would find her address and really mail it.  After a moment's thought, I figured I probably could find the author's address on the internet.  What I found was her personal email.

Ava sent her a sweet little note.  It took her about a half an hour to write 4 lines. She told Susan that she loved her book and that she was a great artist.  And told her that when she grew up she wanted to be an artist and ride horses too. And at the end she added, "could you rite me back?"  My heart skipped a little as we clicked send and Ava asked, "how long will it take for her to write me back?"

 I silently prayed the author would respond.

Susan Jeffers did not disappoint. A mere 4 hours later, her reply was in my inbox. She was so very kind and gave Ava some pointers on drawing and riding horses.

Ava's absolute excitement was the very best part.

*Max came up with the idea of sitting on his little potty all on his own, which is fine with me. But he refuses to do so unless he is fully clothed, which I guess is fine with me too. Though now he demands to be changed after every little tinkle and toot in his diaper, so I have the feeling potty training is on the horizon. 

30

Last night was my little birthday party.  It was so nice and I was so happy to even have a front tooth, I forgot to smile with my mouth closed.

It surely hasn't been my best week.  I wasn't feeling quite as sassy as I'd hoped for my 30th birthday, but yesterday I was feeling pretty good and today even better.

It was a wonderful night.

I love all of these people so much.

After a delicious dinner of salmon with mango salsa, roasted sweet potatoes, and spinach salad, I was gifted a manila envelope with the following list inside:

Dear Elise,

30 reasons we love you on your 30^th birthday:

1.  I love you because you beg for me stay when it is time for me to go. - Dan

2.  I love you because you are mine. – Mom

3.  I love the attention you place on being a good mother and wife. - Dad

4.  I love your tender soul. - Bret

5.  I love you because you smile when you see me.  Your feelings are all over that smile. It let's me know you love me. - Ian

6.  I love you because you love me.  Sounds kind of selfish but your full acceptance of me, thorns and all, shows your capacity to love others. - Leah

7.  I love you because you make me feel special and you tell me that you love me so bad that you can’t stand it. - Dan

8.  I love you because of all the things you have taught me. - Mom

9.  I love you because you give me treats sometimes. – Luke

10. I love you because you help me do things. – Ava

11. I love you because we can have fun together without saying a word. - Mom

12. I love your cheerful smile. - Bret

13. I love you a little more each time I read your writing. There is a subtle sweetness and easy rhythm that carries profound insight and wisdom into my mind without effort. - Ian

14. I love you because you want to do what is right and you continually seek guidance from the Lord. – Dan

15. I love your friendly personality and sensitivity to others. - Dad

16. I love you because we were friends from before this world and will be forever. - Mom

17. I love you because you are someone I can look up to.  Your accomplishments and goals are worthy of emulation. - Leah

18. I love you because you give me snuggles. – Ava

19. I love you because you drive and can park in small parking spaces. - Dan
20. I love you because you give me a hug and kiss. – Luke

21. I love you because I can see your sweetness, gentleness and empathy in your face.  Your emotions translate so directly to the expressions that pass across your face and eyes that you can see them arrive as the thought or situation develops. - Ian

22. I love you because you take care of us. – Ava
23. I love your happy heart. - Bret
24. I love you because you are such an awesome friend (pretty much my best friend!).  I can talk to you, bounce ideas off you, vent and whine and complain, and be inspired by you. I love to spend time with you.  You make everyone around you happy! - Leah

25. I love you because we fit even though we are different. - Mom

26. I love your desire to improve in all aspects of your life. - Dad

27. I love you because you are sensitive. - Dan

28. I love you because you are kind of nice. – Luke

29. I love you because of who you are – your standards, your choices, your efforts, and your knowledge of the truth. - Mom

30. I love you because you captivate me now more than ever. - Dan

Love,

Your Family

 Of course, I cried.

 These people who know me better than anyone, completely succeeded in making me feel good.  Good about myself and good about being alive! And on your birthday, that is a pretty great way to feel. Thank you, Family!

 It was, without a doubt, one of the best presents I've ever gotten!

I Bet You Wish I Posted a Picture

I'm feeling half human today, which is a welcome improvement.  Unfortunately, we don't exactly know anything more than we did before the surgery.  Next week, the results of a biopsy will hopefully shed some more light on what's going on in there. And so we wait.

It's kind of funny that I mentioned the "horrendous crown" and the surgery together in the previous post.  Because if there is anything that would make an uncomfortable, unusual day 1,000 times weirder, it's doing it all without your front tooth.

The first thing I remember coming out of the anesthesia, is asking with an unfortunate lisp, "Where is my tooth?"  I was then informed that as they had attempted to insert the breathing tube, the nurse anesthetist used my teeth as a leverage point and it popped right off.

Dan was kind enough to make me an appointment at the dentist for the next day to have it put back on. The next few hours I was sleeping on and off though eventually I was wide awake, doing my best to come home, and totally over trying to talk with my mouth closed.

"I think when you get your tooth put back on, I'll be able to forget that you looked like this." Dan said more to himself than to me.

 We got home much later than expected, about 6:30pm. And it wasn't until I was home that I caught my own reflection in the mirror and truly realized the awfulness of my appearance.  Seriously, never take your teeth for granted, especially your front ones. The fact that I had to shower before the surgery but had no time to devote to my hair didn't help either.  I was a real mess.

That night was pretty miserable.  In the morning Dan begged me to take up a station on the couch downstairs to oversee the morning routine.  Ava got off to school fine and then he left to take Luke to preschool with Max.

The drywall repair man was coming at 9:30 to give us an estimate, and I knew that.  Dan planned to be back just in time.  I waited at my post on the couch, but at 9:10 there was a knock on the door.  Looking back I think it was a combination of leftover anesthesia, exhaustion, and duty that caused me to find myself in the following awkward exchange:

I open the front door. Crazy hair. No bra.  No front tooth.

Let me repeat myself in case you did not catch the gravity of my last sentence.

I opened the door with no front tooth.

 And it wasn't until I saw his eyes survey me, that I realized what I had done.

Repair guy:  Hiii....I'm blah blah blah blah.  (I really have no recollection of what he said.)

Me: My husband.....he's gone....I can't help you....he's coming back.....I can't help you.

Repair guy: (not getting his words out any better than me) Yes...my truck (gestures towards his truck)...I'll just go....I'll just wait...in my truck....

Me:....I had surgery....I can't help you....I can't help you...

Dan came home, the drywall guy came back, and I just stayed on the couch.

I made it to the dentist that same morning (replacing a crown is pretty much the only thing I can think of that I'd be willing to leave my bed for in that state) and I never thought I'd be so happy to have that "horrendous crown" back in my mouth.

Dan let me know they'll be repairing the drywall this Saturday. I am currently deliberating between leaving the house all together or fixing myself up reaaal nice in hopes of erasing the terrible image I am sure is burned on his brain.

Mile Marker

So, I'm having a little surgery tomorrow.  I'm kind of nervous. I'll spare you the details of my innards, but it is a "diagnostic scope" where I am hoping they find/fix the cause of some severe pain I have been having.

On Friday I completed the first step in the two week process of putting a crown on my front tooth.  I had to cancel the crown appointment twice already because I couldn't get my crap together enough to bleach my teeth with any consistency. Bleaching to the desired whiteness is required before a crown because once that  bad boy is on there, you can't just go changing the color of your teeth anymore.   I finally gave up and just kept this appointment despite my not-white teeth.

I didn't pass out this time, I was hooked up to the nitrous first thing.  And it all went without incidence. The dentist promises that the real crown will look better than this temporary one which is good, because it's horrendous.  I'll only be smirking for a while.

I guess I will never have that perfect smile. I take some reassurance in the fact that  by the end of his 2 year mission, Dan said even the girls with the brown teeth looked good.  So I imagine when he gets desperate enough he'll come around.

I turn 30 years old on Sunday.

Tonight I feel like a car whose warranty is about to expire.  Getting dropped off at the dealer for a little body work.  Fix the A/C, tighten the door handle, how about a new transmission?

Got to get everything fixed up while we still can!

Unfortunately, unlike a real warranty, I can't get all this stuff done for free. Also unfortunately, I am not getting anything tightened.

Anyway, any extra prayers you've got floating around tomorrow morning will be gladly accepted!

Christmas

I'm getting this Christmas post up today if it kills me! The last 2 weeks of December were packed to the gills. It was crazy and chaotic and so much fun.  Not to mention that the presence of my out-of-town family coated over the less awesome parts of the month. Here is the High-Low report.

High:

Finishing my mother in law's and mom's silhouette necklaces in plenty of time and loving them.


High:

Ava composing a letter to Santa, insisting on a stamp, and droping it into our mailbox.

A week later, Santa's surprise reply arrives:

And Ava writes him the following:

"Dear Santa, thank you for the letter.  I didn't know that Frosty was real.  Have you ever seen Chipee?"






High:   

My sister and her family arriving at our house and a full week of cousin loving and hanging out begins with the trampoline

and the Wii

Low:

Ava becoming the first victim of an upper respiratory infection.  We pull out old Nebby the Nebulizer and begin the every 4 hour routine.

Ava prefers to take her breathing treatments through the peace pipe method.  I liked to call it the Peace on Earth Pipe in honor of the holiday,

High: 

Dan's desired Spritz cookies turning out wonderfully, 

   

And provide a great way to woo Sage.  

Though she'll only take the pink ones.

High:

We all fit in my parents house for Christmas Eve dinner. 

And it was delicious.  

Filet Mignon, shrimp, salad, roasted vegetables.

High:

The annual re-enactment of the Christmas Story had enough cast members

  Jesus' birthday cake reminded the kids why we celebrate and was delicious.

The BYU water bottles from my brother and his wife were a perfect Christmas Eve present. (Thanks, Bret and Christina!)

High/Low (depending on perspective):

The kids playing deteriorated into running laps around the pool table.

Low:

3am Christmas Eve, Luke wakes up unable to breathe.

After a ineffective breathing treatment at home, a dose of epinephrine and steroids at the emergency room, opens him up.

Nebby picks up another client and Luke is the 2nd victim of the respiratory infection.

High:

Christmas morning goes off without a hitch despite our trip to the hospital, hours prior.

High/Low (again depending on perspective):

The Chocolate chip cookie contest.

When I was in Chicago, I casually mentioned that I had a really good recipe.  Then Ian challenged me to a duel.  Leah stuck up for Chris's recipe and soon we had a competition on our hands. Mom didn't want to be left out either.

I don't know what happened but mine didn't win.  Dan promises that he still likes mine the best, but I fear he is slightly biased.

High:

Sofia gets baptized.

It was an absolutely excellent experience.   It's times like these when I get so drunk on the spirit I want to pass out that feeling like candy. Everyone should feel it.

High:

Filling up the frame of this picture with so many people that I love.

Low:

Max enters the breathing treatment rotation as the 3rd victim.  At least after watching his sibling for the past few days, he's an eager participant.

High:

A trip to the Arboretum.

High:

Lining up these guys

Low:
Missing Bret's face.  (and body, and wife, and kids)

So we took a picture with Dan, in case by some miracle, I can successfully swap his head out for Bret's.

High:

Getting another month done for the calendar.

High:

Ava having serious bonding time with Sofia.

Low:

Having her cry on my lap the day after they left saying, "I just miss Sofia so much!"

Low:

The unfortunate dismemberment of Buzz LightYear

High:

Going to the BYU bowl game.

And that, my friends, is a wrap.


I'm no good at math, but the highs definitely exceeded the lows.  It was a great Christmas and now I'm looking forward to 2012.