In My Absence

I hate how long it's been since I've posted.  I've had plenty of moments where I feel like I am on the verge of actual combustion and the only thing I can think to relieve the pressure is to sit down empty my heart and head of all the words that are in there.  But inevitably, each time I would sit down to do it,  I just couldn't.  I don't know why exactly, but I think it is because I'm recognizing the need to take into account the feelings and privacy of growing children. There are still plenty of poop and diaper stories to be told, but on the front end of the spectrum, my older kid's business is becoming their own and I find myself thinking twice about what I share.

But man, things have been really hard.  I am exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. And of course, when I am feeling particularly defeated by the four humans that run my life, I am reminded that there is one more and I nearly weep with fear because I have no idea how I will ever handle it.  I take that back, I will handle it.  I will have no choice but to handle it.  But my fear comes from how ugly it's going to be.

Then, I think about my last tiny little human, days from arriving.  How sweet and soft and warm. And I cannot wait to see his face and have that little head tucked under my cheek.

He feels like he could fall out any minute, by the way.  Maybe that's what happens by the time you get to 5, they just fall out.  I wouldn't complain about it.  I have been having so many contractions and I was dilated to a 4 at my last appointment, both of which are uncharacteristic for me.  I love it when I get a stretch of painful contractions and I start hoping and praying that these are the ones, that this is it.  And then  I remember that my help (my sister, Chandra) won't be here for 3 more weeks and I start contradicting my own prayers and begging that the baby can just hang in there another week or so.

Right now I am scheduled for an induction on September 26.  That is subject to change based on my dilation at my next appointment though.  I am a little over thirty minutes from the hospital and I need to be sure to get in enough doses of antibiotics during labor (strep b positive).  So if it looks like labor will be too short when it happens, the doctor may choose to take matters into his own hands. I'm in complete agreement and I really don't want to have a baby on the freeway.

All the rest of life has just been trudging along. Dan will be switching jobs at work.  He is excited to be doing something a little bit different.

Ava is still struggling but if I try really hard to see things objectively, I must admit that things could be worse.  Her horseback riding has been just what the doctor ordered though. She has been doing great and loving it.  And that is exactly what she needs.  I am excited to take her each week and she's excited to go.  I sit on my bench and watch with a huge dopey smile on my face that I can not erase. I am fully aware of many of the benefits that are available from riding, but I have been pleasantly reminded of a whole host of others that I hadn't remembered.

She is actually a bit of a natural and picks up the skills fairly quickly, especially for her, someone who has always struggled with physical things.  And it helps so much that it's a private lesson.  She has no one to compare herself to.  And she also doesn't know enough about riding to know how good or not good she is.  She just goes and does it and likes it.

Luke has started soccer and I hate it so much.  I mean, I'm glad he's getting a chance to do something he'd like to do, but it's killing me.  We purposely picked a more recreational division to avoid multiple practices a week but for some (un)lucky reason we ended up on a team that practices twice a week anyways.  So Monday and Wednesday afternoons, I drag all the kids but Ava (don't tell CPS) to soccer practice which is great fun for them because Max and Finn love to play on the elementary school playground while Luke practices.  Unfortunately, it's one of those playgrounds where the equipment includes all sorts of drop offs without railings.  So I enviously look on at the moms lounging on their blankets in the nice cool grass while I, for the next hour, run through the rocks on my swollen sausage sandal feet saving Finn's life over and over again before he turns around backwards and drops over the edge of the 6 feet drop.

And then it's on to home where everybody wants to eat dinner again and at least 40% of them will hate what I make and then I have to squeeze in homework (math of all things) with a tired and emotional Ava, which cannot be completed without somebody crying, guaranteed.  I hate fourth grade math as much as she does, and I know it's all fad-ish to bag on common core, but I seriously think it is the dumbest thing ever.


Luke's first game was on Saturday.  He played goalie.

I have no idea if he'll always be goalie or not, but I do hope he gets a turn to try out some other positions.  I had an out of body experience at that game.  It started when I had to let Dan and Luke and Ava out near the fields where thousands (I am not exaggerating) of parents and little soccer players covered acres worth of fields like piles of milling ants, while I drove around stalking people on the way to their cars hoping to to get lucky enough to snag their spot. Once I parked, I carried a couple of chairs on one shoulder, my purse filled with water bottles and snacks on the other, and held two little boy hands through the parking lot and across field after field, contraction after contraction, searching for Luke's.  And at this point I was floating in the air, watching myself and saying, "What the hail are you doing, Elise? This ranks right up there with some of the dumbest things you've ever done."  Because, really, what were we doing?  Just because hundreds of other families have decided that it's really a great idea to have their kids play sports from super young ages and "develop a skill" or "build a dream", more power to them, but I don't think I'm actually on board.  Well, apparently I am on board because I was there, and we are doing it, but I really don't want to. The whole thing just seemed so absurd to me right then.  I want to be able to say that the joy on Luke's face and the progress we see makes the whole thing worth it, but I can't.  I think he (and we) would be just as happy taking our Saturday hikes as a family, like our last one to Garden of the Gods,

 which we have temporarily traded in for Saturdays like the one I described above.

I'm like pure sunshine right now, huh?

In other news, Finn started nursery at church 2 weeks ago.  So far he is not a fan.  I thought he might really dig the toys and kids, but so far he just can't get over being left.

And we welcomed a new member to our family.  But I just realized I don't have a picture.

Pretend there is a picture right here of a shiny new red van.

We thought long and hard about this decision.  I was adamant that we get a vehicle with another seat. At first we were convinced we'd go the SUV route, since our future plans include a camper and we will need a vehicle that can tow it.  And of course, SUV's are so much cooler than minivans, so that wouldn't hurt.  But then I kept thinking about how actually uncool it would be to have my four year old open the the door of our swaggy Suburban into the car parked beside us at the grocery store and I started to rethink my entire life.

So that is how we settled on an eight seat Sienna with magic doors. And I am so happy with it. The only drawback, mostly in Dan's eyes, is the unfortunate red color. Sadly, Dan decided to sell his Versa because he could get more money for it, and keep the blue van.  So don't tell anyone, but we are now a two minivan family which I'm sure qualifies us as some of the most uncool people on earth. But at this juncture in life, I'm not really sure I care.