The Gang's All Here

I have mentioned a few times before that after I had Finn I felt like I should have another baby. Along with those feelings were a lot of thoughts about how I was so happy this was not my last newborn. I was enjoying Finn so much that I just couldn't imagine not doing it again.  And I told myself, next time, what I felt like would be the last time, I would soak up every single second.  I would enjoy the heck fire out of that baby.  That I would savor every moment, kind of like how I was savoring Finn at that time.

Enter Jack.  He's here and I truly feel like our family is complete. My plan was to savor him, to soak up all of these moments into my heart and never let them go.  But my poor Jack.  He's got reflux like most of my other babies.  But he has something none of the others ever did, colic.

It's not the cry-incessantly-for-no-apparent-reason-for-hours-on-end kind.  It's the my-tummy-hurts-so-bad-and-I-have-crazy-cramps kind.

He does cry a lot, but only when he's hurting.  As soon as whatever it is passes on, he's quiet again. The evenings and nights are his worst times. The main way this colic affects our lives is that he cannot sleep.  The rocking and bouncing and patting seem to ease him when he's feeling bad, and I give him gripe water every evening. But in the dead of night, when he's twisting and writhing in his bed, it might be helpful if I stood and bounced him, but after 6 weeks averaging 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night, I am toasted. And the standing bounce is a pipe dream....

Ahhh dreams...I used to have those.

But anyways, instead, I try everything I can without getting out of bed, literally falling asleep sitting up and feeling so lucky that he's still safe in my arms because of the boppy pillow when I wake up from terrible neck cramps or because he's crying again.  He can't eat much at a time, whether it's the reflux or his tummy, I don't know.  But in any case, he needs to eat often.  But when you give a mouse a cookie, his tummy will start hurting and cramping all over again.

So the point of all of that whining was to explain why I have found it very difficult to "soak this up" and "savor each moment".  These moments are so hard.  And I'm not going to lie, I feel a little cheated. I think to myself,

I wanted to love this! 

I love Jack, no doubt about it.  He's a sweet slice of heaven and I don't know how I lived all this time without him, which means it's not fun watching him cry and squeal in pain.  I don't love that. It's hard to savor this. And I wanted to savor this so bad.

Maybe this is Heavenly Father's way of really cementing the fact that we are done having babies. He knew if I enjoyed it too much I would want another, which would only stir a revolt by my husband.

Here's the thing though, the past six weeks have been hard.  I have never been more tired in my whole, whole life.  But that experience I had down there, the How Firm a Foundation post, was not a lie nor a figment of my imagination.  God knows just who I am and has literally sustained me and given me strength that I do not have.

In bed at night, while I'm watching the hours tick by as I try desperately to soothe the sweet little sack of potatoes that I love, I think,

There is no way I am going to be able to get up tomorrow.  There is no way.

But in the morning, I get up.  And I function.  Not perfectly, but I function.  And while I still feel exhaustion, I get through the days.  I can't usually manage a nap unless the stars align (jack doesn't really nap too well either).  I get to the evening and I can feel each system shutting down individually and we try to get the kids in bed before I'm a pile on the floor. But we do it.

And I know that I didn't make it through the day on my own accord.

The other very beautiful thing about this hard time has been the way my eyes have opened to the handiwork of God.  The smallest, simplest things that have probably been happening all along, but that I've always walked by without noticing.

 I've seen them now.  And I feel so lucky for that.

 Whether it's the desperate desire of a little boy to score a soccer goal before the season is over, and the fact that he did and his dad was lucky enough to catch it on video so I could see it when they got home, to the time the baby actually didn't cry when it was imperative that I be able to hold and console another child who really needed her mom, to the thoughts of comfort and insight that come into my mind, despite the sleep deprivation.

Small things, inconsequential to most, but not to me and not to Him. I felt so loved this past month.

There were only a handful of days that we didn't have someone here with us.

And I have come to a conclusion:

I can never love a person as much I love those who love my children.

Chandra came.  Among other things, she pulled out the tooth that was dangling by a thread, she put together Ava's new dresser, she changed diapers and held my baby.

Leah came. Among other things, she cleaned my kitchen, took her fair share of turns with a screaming baby, and swept the floor.

Then my friend Val came.  Among other things, she played on the trampoline with the kids, chased Finn around the park, and kept the baby while I slept.

Then Grandma Linda and Grandpa Don came.  Among other things, they helped us rake leaves, got the kids new books, and bought us dinner.

And when it was all over, I knew that they were all a part of God's grand scheme to take care of us.  I felt so loved and so did my kids.



I've always felt that a new baby brings a whole lot of love to our home.

Saying I'm happy to be a mother is an understatement.  And to watch the love develop between these children of mine is amazing.  The relationships and associations we have on this earth are no accident.

It's like there have been a thousand little blessings just poured on top of me like sand. Heavenly Father lets me know with each one that He sees us and loves us. I know He always has, and He always will, the only difference lies in my ability to see them.

I'm anxious for the baby to outgrow his colic, but I'm hoping desperately to hold onto the ability to see God's hand in my life so abundantly.

Luke's 7 Year Pictures

When we lived in Texas, the end of June was way too hot to take Luke's birthday pictures.  So I put it off until things cooled down.  In reality, I put it off until Max's birthday approached and I remembered that I never took Luke's, so his pictures were always carefully taken around pumpkins and fall decor in the background.

Old habits die hard, I guess.  It's nice in Colorado during the summer.  But Luke's pictures got put off again, just like always.  I finally took them on November 1. In a way, maybe it's good because it still remains a yearly glimpse.  Now I just have to get Max's in before winter hits.  The snow falling this morning isn't making me feel too confident about that.

But here's Luke in his toothless, beautiful, 7 year old glory...

Obviously he needs new jeans. 

For some reason this one reminds me of a freshly hatched chick.

And this one looks exactly like pictures of me when I was younger.

I think I should sell his face to magazines to pay for his college fund.

And this one just flat out cracks me up.

To make him smile, I asked him who was the prettiest girl in first grade.  His reply? "Miss Lere," his teacher.  

Then I asked him who was prettier, Miss Lere or Mommy?  He laughed for a minute and then said, "Mommy."

Don't tell anyone one but I think he's my favorite, at least for today.

Halloween 2014

Every three days for the last 4 months, Max has changed his mind about what he was going to be for Halloween.  And in between breaths he would admonish me, "You better get sewing, Mom."  And I would try to explain that I wasn't about to start sewing a costume for a boy who couldn't make up his mind.  But both he and I knew that the closer it got to the baby's arrival, the less likely I was to sew anything at all.

Making Halloween costumes is one of the creative outlets I enjoy as a human.  Not much I do these days, is for the sole sake of my enjoyment.  That's not to say that I don't enjoy a lot of things, it's just that most of my enjoyment comes as a result of something else that I need to do.  I guess Halloween costumes fit in this category too.  But honestly, I just really, really like to make stuff.

As baby day approached, I started to doubt my costume making abilities with the newborn and told myself that it wouldn't be a big deal if I bought everyone's, though the thought did make me a little sad.

So wouldn't you know, that the afternoon of the Trunk or Treat, I was in the basement feverishly sewing and altering.  It was a little more harried than I would have liked but I finished just in time.

Max finally settled on a vampire though he was freaked out by the teeth and decided not to wear them.

Ava knew months ago that she would be a gypsy and insisted on Trick or Treating barefoot even though it was pretty chilly.

 Luke didn't know what he wanted to be.  Unbeknownst to me, Dan talked him into a football player.  I never would have encouraged that because football helmets and uniforms are expensive and I couldn't stomach the look of the one piece polyester football player costume for $25 that Dan found online.  So poor Luke, when questioned about Halloween would always say, "I wanted to be a football player but my mom wouldn't let me so I have to be a pirate."  It's kind of true, but in my defense, he picked the pirate idea all on his own.

And in the end I think he liked it.

I was pretty sure Finn wouldn't have a costume.  I didn't think he would go for wearing anything and I didn't think I'd actually have time to make anything.

But inspiration struck at the last moment when he just happened to be dressed in grey sweatpants and a grey hoodie.  Thus, the mouse was born, and he didn't really even realize that he was dressed up.

Some friends came over and we went around our neighborhood together and had a great time, while Grandma Linda and Grandpa Don, who were visiting, held down the fort and passed out candy.

And the pirate, mouse, vampire, and gypsy would all agree that it was a Happy Halloween!