Here it goes!

Sometimes, okay all the time, I find myself thinking about things I want to remember and such, mostly about the kids and sometimes just stories. Stories of my own that happened to me or stories of relatives. Sometimes, it's just two lines of irrelevant information that for some reason I don't want to forget or I just enjoy remembering.

And usually when I have these thoughts, I want to write them down. And this blog is the natural outlet. But then, I end up talking myself out of it because it is too insignificant or too random or too short or too out of place for a good post. So I don't write it down.

But I am here to reclaim my blog from my own insecurities! I just want to feel like I used to, that I could post whatever I wanted and not worry about how interesting or entertaining it would be to anyone else.

I am attempting to make this my motto for 2009:

"Say what you feel and do what you want because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


So here's some of stuff I'd like to let out of my head:
Wait, now that I'm finally gonna post 'em I'm drawing a blank, totally figures. Hmmmm...oh yes, here we go,

1. Yesterday, we went to the "pig show". It's rodeo time here in in Katy again and the kids and I stopped on our way to preschool to see a friend's, Jaime, pig in the livestock show.

As she hopped out of the van Ava asked, "Can I bring my fish? (goldfish crackers)" I told her she could. And she replied, "Good, pig shows make me so hungry"

We found our friend and got to pet her 242 lb, sunburned, sleeping pig.

Let me insert a piece of another story here, the other day, we were at a new friend's house. Both the house and the people there were unfamiliar to Ava. While I was on a tour of the house, Ava came screaming up the stairs, banging her hands on the wall as she ran. (Remember that funk, I was telling you about?)

Following after her was a soon-to-be mom in attendance. "Sorry," she said, "I tried to talk to her!"

Okay now back to the pigs.
While Ava was in the pen petting the pig, another big pig made it's way through the open gate for a little visit, and in the handler's attempt to get this new pig out, it bumped into Ava, knocking her on top of Jaime's pig and then onto the ground. She hopped up, and resumed her petting, without much notice.

Now, what kind of child literally freaks out when spoken to by a stranger yet, doesn't even blink while being tossed around in a small enclosed area with (2) 250lb pigs?

As we left to go to preschool, she said, "Wait, I want to stay at the radio!" I explained that we would be going to the rodeo the next day. "Good," she said, "because I just love the radio!"

2. Luke had what I would venture to say was the best night of his life last night. We went to Cici's All-You-Can-Eat Pizza Buffet. He probably ate his weight in pizza and brownie. He just sat in his high chair poking in bite after bite and bopping along to the music.

This is why I decided America's children are getting fatter and fatter, because to see your children looking so happy like this, makes you want to keep piling their plate with the good stuff.

By the time it was brownie bites for dessert, he had slowed down considerably. He'd handle a piece before putting it in his mouth and then he began a behavior that looked oddly familiar.

See earlier this week he had his first experience with paints. He liked it well enough.


I think he was most excited by the fact that he got to do the same thing as Ava.


Soon, though he had enough and I cleaned him up and got him down. Not too bad for an amateur, eh?


It wasn't a minute later when he climbed back up the the table realized his favorite part of this activity was playing with the paint bottles.


He started by putting them in small groups and then found that what made him happiest was when he had them all lined up, just so.



And last night at Cici's the world made sense when his brownies were in a line.

3. I wonder where girls get all these ideas about being a princess and brides and damsels in distress. And I really think that some girls cling to that more than others. I think Ava is one of those. She pretty much lives out her fantasy life though the day and reality is just "between scenes" for her. She is the star of her very own musical that she writes, directs, and stars in every single day.

She came home the other day asking to see "Mommy be marry", which equals our wedding video. She hasn't requested that in a long time. She sat there and watched intently, and sprinkled in her comments of "oh, Mom, you look so beautiful!" and "Mom, you were a bride", etc.

I was sitting on the floor next to her thinking about how much younger Dan looked, and how skinny I was. Out of now where, Ava stood directly in front of me, she cupped her hands on my cheeks and stared intently into my eyes. With calculation she closed her eyes, opened her mouth, tilted her head to the side, and tried to kiss me like the french. In fact, she did kiss me, before I realized that what she was doing.

I asked her where she learned to kiss like that. "From Dad," was her reply. But for the record, Dan only kisses me like that on our wedding video.

Alrighty, that is more than enough for now. And if that is not a pile of stuff that doesn't belong together, then I don't know what is. Take it for what it's worth (not much) and go in peace.

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

I think of what is going on in our little life and what I should post, and I think that I could write a new post each day on how I am feeling overwhelmed. I truly appreciate those of you who left comments or emailed me regarding my last post. We are just in some kind of funk right now. But all funks must end, as they don't say. But I know that if I keep ruminating on the struggle part, it will do no good.

So, In an attempt to distract us all from some perpetual bad moods and/or impulsive overreactions, I have been trying to come up with a few more little activities to supplement our daily routine.

The following was truly a spontaneous event that left us all breathless from giggles and exertion (at least for me).

Ava was already awake from her nap and crusty as is usual these days. I was finishing up folding some laundry and when Luke woke up I brought in the laundry basket to put away his clothes. After I did that, I found myself with arms full of baby and no willing helper to carry the basket back to it's home.

So I stuck Luke in the basket and pushed him back out to the family room. Excitement and squealing ensued and after a few turn-taking switches, we found that the best option was to put them in the basket together.



I would race them up and down the length of our house, getting in an extra workout for myself and providing the kids with some needed enjoyment!

I realized as it was happening that I hadn't taken many pictures for a while, mostly for lack of subject, but I also realized that this may be as exciting as this month gets.

And I caught the rare shots of Luke and Ava together, looking happy. Not that they're not happy together much of the time, more that I can never get a picture of it.



And when Ava begged and Luke cried for more, my legs just couldn't do it. This is Luke's, "Please push us more, Mommy!" face.



But, like I said, my legs were jello. So Ava hopped out to try her hand at being "the runner".




And she realized just how hard it was. Now I am finding myself trying to be more aware of the little ways we can have fun.

And in closing, to reassure you, my ever-faithful readers, and myself that I am not devoid of happiness, here are five little things that are making me happy recently:

1. Having my eyebrows threaded. If you've never seen it, look it up, it's pretty cool. It hurts, but I am liking the results.

2. Weighing 15 pounds less than I did on January 8, 2009.

3. Downloading some new songs.

4. Finishing a sketch and idea for Ava's Easter dress and possible matching skirt for me.

5. Wet kisses from Luke, hearing Ava say things like, "I want to stay with you, Mommy" or "Mommy, I just love you", and having a Dan. Everyone should have one of those!

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks and Back

Yesterday I was ready to throw in the proverbial towel, wash my hands, send in my resignation, hang up my spurs or hat or whatever it is you hang up when you are really done with something for good.

I thought about the time I broke my finger. No, not that time, the first time, in high school. And how it was mangled and I had to have surgery to have it pinned. My phobia of hospitals, blood, needles, nurses, squeaky shoes, and anesthesia (which I have completely overcome), all combined into this terribly traumatic and embarrassing episode at the hospital on the day of surgery.

I laid in the bed as preparations were made, and I was freaking out on the inside and the outside. For a moment, I actually considered jumping up from the bed and running out of the hospital. I was pretty sure I could outrun my nurse and both of my parents. But, I didn't have the car keys, which left me with only the option of running down the streets of Nashua. I thought I could make it to a phone and call a friend to pick me up.

Finally I conceded in my mind that I could not run away from this, because even if I escaped the hospital, my finger would still be broken. It would not heal well on it's own and the idea of sporting a twisted finger the rest of my life was not appealing.

Really and truly, I considered this as a viable possibility, even if only for a moment.

So I stayed. I cried during the entire pre-op, I had the surgery, gained an appreciation for anesthesia, and went home.

Now fast forward 11 years. I am in a completely different situation but pondered almost the same idea, even if only for a moment.


Some days, like yesterday, I just feel like I want to run away. I have wonderful children, but of course that doesn't mean that things are always wonderful. It was a really bad day that I should have seen coming based on the past few weeks.

The weight of the responsibility of raising well-adjusted, kind humans, is heavy on me. I do okay and I do terrible and on occasion I do well. I worry sometimes, that instead I will produce poorly adjusted humans traumatized by a crazy mother.

And in those moments, I think of running away, escaping, halting the damage I am doing to them and to myself. But then I always come back to the same spot-I could escape the hospital, but my finger would still be broken- I could run away from home but I'd still be their mother. And when they are as difficult as they were yesterday, I know that only their mother could love them.

Then the weight of this position of non-resignation feels even weightier. I heard our patriarch speak this past Sunday. He explained that his position is his for life. He will never be released. And that is motherhood as well. The kids may grow, circumstances may change, but I will always be their mother.



Last night, Ava started to complain about her tummy hurting. I thought it was from all the water she drank trying to show off her new gargling skills (that I was decidedly ignoring once she refused to honor my wish to "use good manners") The rest of the evening off and on she said, her tummy hurt.

Then about 10 pm, she threw up in her bed. And then 4 more times in the toilet. And then once more in the bowl we left by her bed.

Here was this little person, who had literally pushed me as far as I felt I could go, just hours before, inducing such empathy and love that I could hardly contain, as I cleaned her up, and changed her bedding, gave her medicine, and held her close. How is it possible to go to the edge and all the way back in less than one day?

I love my children. This is one tough job, at least for me, and I must assume for anyone who's actually trying to do a good job. It has brought me to my knees in every sense of those words. I fight feeling hugely inadequate on days like yesterday but I be will grateful forever that I will always be their mother.

Happy Balentimes Day!

Dear Friends and Family,



On this Valentine's Day 2009, you should be receiving some cute cards from us. But you're not. Because this stack is still sitting on my counter instead of in your mailboxes.


I had a brainstorm and we quickly put together some potato stamped cards in time for the preschool party, but not quite in time for mailing.


But please know that despite my poor planning, we love you all very much!

I was remembering how much I enjoyed receiving sweet Valentine's from my parents as I was growing up. And how I want to do that for my kids too. They are still too young to know the exact day, but I feel like we did adequate celebrations this year.

They enjoyed their balloons,



And we even made cute Valentine cookies (courtesy of Grandma Linda and Grandpa Don, Thanks!) to share with friends,



And on Thursday, when the doorbell rang and I found a box from ProFlowers on the porch, I was honestly confused. Dan gives me flowers on occasion, but always in person. There is something kind of fun about a special surprise package and a sweet note.

And beautiful flowers.

My poor planning continues as I failed to secure a babysitter, so we hope to have a quiet, take-out lunch at home while the kids are napping today.

Whatever your plans today, we hope your day is extra special and full of love!

Your Funny Valentine,
Elise

Random Shmandom

It's been a slow blogging month for me. Nothing too exciting has been coming to my mind, rather a bunch of less exciting tidbits. And here they are:

1. My jogging stroller went to the doctor last week. The diagnosis: dead. I donated it to a charity through the bike shop that was working on it, and have now been stroller-less for nearly a week. I am slowly going insane...

I found a promising one on Craigslist, but haven't been able to nail down a time for an exchange. All I know is that I need a jogging stroller NOW!


2. Over the past month or so, I set off on a path of bread making discovery. I decided I would like to make my own bread. I don't have a fancy mixer or a bread machine, but that's okay because I really want to be able to make it with my own 2 hands. I have a pretty good recipe and for a beginner, I would say that my first couple of trys have been successful. At the same time, though I know that there is so much that I don't know. There are a lot of variables.

And so it was with these things in mind that I went to a bread making class. The woman teaching is a master bread maker. She taught us a new method, which is basically way beyond my scope at this point. She taught us to make hydrated doughs and showed us that her multi-step, uber sensitive, skill-requiring bread recipe turns out some freakin' good bread. Really, the best homemade bread I have ever had. She didn't think it was beyond anyone's ability, but I know that the status of my life right now and the high demand for bum, face, and nose wiping will keep me from being able to make bread like this. Someday, someday.

She also is a food storage specialist. Her website is still under construction but it has tons of information and ideas. And if you would like to make your own artisan bread, the recipe is there, too. www.kneadfulthingsnow.com

3. Being healthy has it's advantages. Dan and I have been exercising together and are both seeing noticeable results. (He's getting bigger and I'm getting smaller). We are feeling good, and eating good, and looking pretty good too, if I must say so myself. It takes some sacrifice on our part (working out after the kids are in bed) but the results keep us motivated.

4. And lastly, only 85 days until we set sail on our next cruise! We enjoyed last year's so much, and found a great deal that we are going again! And this time we even convinced some friends to go with us! We hope the Marcks will enjoy the cheesy dancing shows, delicious food, and kid free vacation as much as we did!

And because I will never ever be able to say it enough times so I might as well start right now, THANK YOU, Mom and Dad for watching our babies!

I Surrender

I was starting to smell defeat but I hadn't given up quite yet. Until this afternoon, that is.

I thought there was going to be an instant, long lasting connection and friendship but right now I'm not feeling the love.

And not only are we not friends, there has been some serious disloyalty by ones I call my own.



What you must know about my complicated friend here is that the secret is all in the threading. And the threading is so complicated even an instruction manual translated from German can't make me understand.

After about an hour of trial and error I finally got it threaded "the easy way" (which is done by tying the threads to the ones all ready put in place by the factory and pulling the new ones through, which you don't really care about, I know) Then when it comes time to replace the thread you just tie it on again.

But beware of "the hard way". Even if just one of the 4 threads comes undone, you have to take them all out and rethread all 4 in a presice order, with all sorts of little tools, through small, hard to reach holes, in German.

So basically the secret is to never let it come unthreaded. Or else.

Now I will escort you on a short tour.

A tour I just went on myself, not knowing as I was taking the pictures just where I would end up.

From the serger at the front of the house, we follow the errant thread as it knots itself around the doorknob to the room,




travels out the door where even Sophie is perplexed,




down the hall,



Around the counter and into the kitchen,




through the kitchen and around Ava's chair,




around the table and past Luke's chair and an old piece of tortilla,




into the family room and by the Little People Farm,



where it ends undramatically in the door way of my bedroom.


And that is why I must throw up the white flag, swallow my pride, and take a class on how to use the serger. Because, oh yeah, I forgot to mention that even after I finally got it threaded correctly (i think), I still couldn't make it sew.

I just hate the fact that I have an actual brain that works pretty well and functions independently, and problem solves, yet there I stand completely defenseless against an inanimate object which is supposed to be doing my bidding and pleasure! I have a brain! It doesn't!

I have no one to blame except myself really. Well, me and this big eyed, booger nosed, serger accomplice.

A little pick me up

That's what Dan needs today, as he just told me on the phone from work and actually so do I.

It's interesting how things can go along just fine and then WHAM! all of the sudden things get all out of whack.

So after a morning of frustration over a variety of issues, I crawled back into my bed. Ava soon found me,

"How your face looks, Mom?


Sad?"

I really don't know if I answered her. She trotted away with tears in her own eyes and returned after a moment with a handful of goldfish crackers. For me.

"I want you to feel happy, Mom" she said through her tears which were only amplified by her guilt in knowing she was the author of much of my frustration. She left again and came back with 2 stuffed animals and a blanket. She was still undressed from the bath she requested and then refused because it hurt the scrape on her foot. She climbed into the bed with me. She gave me an animal. And laid down beside me.

Soon, Luke showed up. He climbed into the bed and joined our pile. He leaned his snotty face onto mine and patted my arm. And we stayed in like this for about 10 minutes, their smooth baby skin all around me.

And it's interesting how things can feel so cruddy and then S L O W L Y you can begin to feel better.

That was the best pick me up I've had in a while.

I think that it is in the nature of all of the best things to hold within in it the capacity for extremes. The most awful, hard, and difficult must have an equal reciprocal of the most joyful, peaceful, happy, and fulfilling. If being a mom were always joyful it would never be as joyful as being a mom when it is sometimes very difficult and sometimes very joyful. Or as some might sum it up-opposition in all things.